Do You Have What It Takes To Be A Hitch-Hiker?

Are you Hitch Hiker material?
Are you able to slum it across the Galaxy, surviving on your wits and cunning with just a towel for company?
Take this test and find out.
(Be warned, there's one of those complicated score tables at the end so you might want to make a note of your answers).

1. Your planet is unexpectedly destroyed to make way for a new hyperspace bypass, and you are the only survivor. Do you:
(a) Devise a plan to go back in time and prevent the disaster- thus saving the world.
(b) Complain to anyone who'll listen how bad a day you've had.
(c) Grieve the loss of your family and friends by getting blind, deaf, and dumb drunk.
(d) Try to find a decent party and say, "Hell at least I won't have to pay my phone bill now!"

2. It's time to pack. Which is the most essential item on this list?
(a) Head & Shoulders shampoo. You may be roughing it across the galaxy but at least you won't have dandruff.
(b) A Kill-O-Zap blaster.
(c) A copy of Playbeing- just for the articles of course.
(d) A bottle of Ol' Janx spirit. A true help in dangerous situations.

3. You have been caught by the Vogons on one of their ships and taken to the Captain, where he threatens to throw you into the vacuum of space. What do you do?
(a) Say, "Go ahead! Even the vacuum of space has more atmosphere than this dump!"
(b) Blubber like a baby.
(c) Tell him you're allergic to death.
(d) Ask to be read some poetry first.

4. You have been trapped with the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. And it's Tea-time. Do you:
(a) Shout, "Oi, six eyes! Come over here if you think you're hard enough!"
(b) Tie a towel around your head. If you can't see it, it can't see you.
(c) Throw a Vogon's grandmother at it, which you packed for just such an emergency, and pray it would rather eat her.
(d) Resign yourself to the inevitable and start seasoning yourself.

5. You're visiting your friend, (hey she's everybody's friend) Eccentrica Gallumbits of Eroticon VI. Which of her personal services do you choose?
(a) Number 16.
(b) Number 208.
(c) Number 321-(whips optional).
(d) Number 2691237

6. You've been caught by the intergalactic police, and they lock you away,- purely for their own sadistic entertainment. Do you:
(a) Try to befriend the rabid dogs with a three week old pork chop.
(b) Try to befriend the eight foot, tattooed, transvestite whom you're sharing your cell with, called Butch.
(c) Try to befriend one of the cops by telling him how good his novel is, especially the part where the hero explodes for no apparent reason in chapter three.
(d) Try to "befriend" the judge with the compromising photographs of him with Butch -but remember to hang onto the negatives.

7. You are whisked away from your ship and taken to a cave, where you find a giant statue of yourself and a very unhappy being of total destruction. What do you say?
(a) "My! What big teeth you have grandma!"
(b) "Blimey! You're ugly!"
(c) "What a good likeness, you've captured my inner beauty marvellously."
(d) "Arrraaahhh."

8. You've been shot at, ripped off, killed twice and generally had an unpleasant day. You need a pick me up. Which do you choose?
(a) A Nutrimat special.
(b) A quadruple Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster and 80 bottles of aspirin.
(c) A cup of Tea.
(d) One of Gag Halfrunts 26½ hour lectures on the psychosis of the Omega people of Takyon III.

9. You are trapped on a prehistoric planet with no hope of escape. Do you:
(a) Try to teach the primitive people culture and sophistication.
(b) Kill all life forms and declare yourself High Emperor of the world.
(c) Construct a time machine from leaves, branches, mud and stuff.
(d) Go mad!

10. Finally you reach the after-life, where you meet god, he apologises for any hassle life may have given you. Do you:
(a) Invite him to chow down with you and your unwashed friends.
(b) Be incredibly hoopy and pretend you haven't seen him.
(c) Say, "Hey that's o.k. God. Think nothing of it!"
(d) Punch his lights out!

How did you score?
Q.............a..............b..............c..............d
1..............0..............1..............2..............3
2..............0..............2..............1..............3
3..............1..............2..............3..............0
4..............1..............3..............2..............0
5..............1..............0..............3..............2
6..............1..............0..............2..............3
7..............1..............0..............2..............3
8..............1..............3..............2..............0
9..............3..............2..............1..............0
10............3..............0..............1..............2

21-30 pts: You really know where your towel is.
You are the ultimate hitchhiker type. You laugh in the face of danger, spit on the shoes of trouble and pull rude faces behind the back of fear. You're so hip you could balance a pint of beer on that pelvis. You can handle the hitchhiker's life. You can handle being hungry, dirty, and skint. So what are you waiting for, get that sub-etha communicator and get hitching- there's a whole galaxy to explore.

11-20 pts: Don't panic!!!
Be careful, you're still a little wet behind the ears (or whatever). If you want to travel across the galaxy for less than 30 Altarian dollars aday, you will have to practice. I recommend Lokia beta in sector 151. There you will learn the tricks of the trade from professional bums. The course last 30 Lokia days, after which you will be ready to slum solo. However seeing a Lokia day is approximately 50 standard months you could be dead before you receive your qualification.

0-10 pts: Straag.
Or non-hitchhiker to you. You think you could make it as a hitchhiker! Not a chance, they would eat you alive- in many cases literally. A job switch is just what you need to make the most of your natural talents. Emptying bins has never been easier! Speaking of rubbish..... I am reminded of the majestic beauty, and haunting cry of the Tamain Swallow-backed Gull which lay eggs three times its own size. It's a funny sort of cry, it goes something like: "AAAAHHHOOOOW!" That had nothing to do with the test, but at least it got me to the end of the page.

Home Is Where The Heart Is.

Email: singingbanana@lycos.com