How to conquer the universe in 10 easy steps.
Conquering the universe is an easy and fun way to crush your enemies and does not require any special qualifications apart from perhaps elementary megalomania. Just follow our simple guidelines and you too can be emperor of your very own galaxy.
1. Before you start there are three essential items you will need before galaxywide domination. a) A mountaintop fortress ideally, located in an area particulally prone to lightening storms. 2. Next you will need to seek a supply of very menacing yet dispensable henchmen. Henchmen may look tough but they break surprisingly easily. You must train your henchmen to attack one at a time, any more than that and they may stand a chance of winning.
3. It is absolutely vital you memorises the following key phrases, "Foiled again",People have come to expect these clichés from their villains. Being original only confuses people. If possible try to effect a British accent. 4. The method to which you conquer your chosen galaxy is entirely down to personal choice. It may involve being given strange mystic powers by wise old men in far away lands. Perhaps gaining control over a giant 50 ft monster. Controlling peoples minds with advance alien technology. Or even using good old fashion espionage to cause political unrest and lead a radical reactionary group that overthrow the government, long live the revolution!.........ahem, sorry got a little carried away there.
5. It is inevitable that once you have set the scheme of your choice in motion, a hero will turn up, as they often do at these occasions. Here is how to recognise a hero. i) Does he wearing his underpants on the outside of his trousers?If the answer is yes to any of these questions then you probably have a hero on your hands. Either that or a Conservative MP (ooo satirical). 6. If you want to catch a hero we recommend kidnapping an attractive female. If not already doing so force her to wear skimpy clothing, this will invariably attract every hero within a 50 parsec radius like moths to a flame. Beware, these damsels in distress are so useless, they can't even run five yards without tripping over their own feet. Capture more than one at a time and you have a potential fire hazard on your hands. We also recommend you invest in some ear plugs, because they do tend to scream, a lot. There have been some exceptions, but not many. 7. When you have caught your hero, gagged him, bound him in ropes and suspended him over a pit of alligators, it is essential for all villains to reveal all the cunning details of their entire plan. It's in the small print when you join the union, check if you don't believe me. 8. Once you have caught your nemesis, never under any circumstances attempt to kill him slowly using elaborate torture techniques then leave the room. It has been proven time and again to be bad move. 9. It is advisable to plan a route of escape so that you can return in the sequel. "How to conquer the universe 2. This time it's funny and original." This is the time to use some of those phrases you learnt in step 3. 10. For further information see "How to be a Librarian in 10 easy steps". Librarians are the most sadistic race in the known universe, the things they can do with a rubber date stamp.........
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