The Mummy.

The film starts in ancient Egypt, with one of those ridiculously deep voice-overs you get on Hollywood trailers to explain the plot, imagine Barry White with bronchitis. The Pharaoh’s High Priest is sentenced to death after being caught trying to resurrect his dead lover using a sacred book, the crime for such sacrilege is to be mummified alive - with a curse saying that if ever he is discovered he will wreak havoc on the Earth with invincible powers of evil and some quite impressive special effects.
Flash forwards to the 1920’s where we meet our heroes, butch American, loveable rogue, and brainy female. The next hour and a half is pretty much Indiana Jones meets Jason and the Argonauts, a lot of running around and as butch himself admits “rescue the damsel in distress, kill the bad guy, save the world.”
Of course the whole plot was complete bunk, for a start it was a damn silly curse, why give him invincible powers of evil - minus several million out of ten for good thinking. Also the one-liners were weak and missed the mark. Another niggle was that I felt it was historically inaccurate, not only for 3000 years ago but also for the 1920’s! And why would a revengeful mummy bring the ten plagues of Egypt, which is a Jewish thing. Mixing up their religions there methinks.
But the special effect certainly lived up to their name and were very special. From the opening scene of the huge ancient Egyptian city to the plagues of beetles and the sandstorms. However the mummy itself, even if it was very impressive, did not look real. I’m not a fan of CGI, computer generated images look like they have been generated from a computer, and then superimposed onto the film afterwards. I believe thirty years from now the special effects in films like “Jurassic Park” and “The Mummy” will suffer from Argonaut syndrome - people will point and laugh at how naff they are.
But who cares, it maybe formula, but it’s a tried and tested formula - and it works. The pace never let up, the effects, if not exactly scary, were certainly impressive and there was plenty of gratuitous violence. As long as people are being killed in amusing and interesting ways then I’m happy, if a car doesn’t blow up in the first ten minutes then I automatically class it as an art film. So take your brain off the hook and enjoy the ride, but If you really want to see the living dead roaming the Earth try looking in the bingo halls at Morecambe on the way home from the cinema, now that’s scary.
See My Review Of The Mummy Returns.

Red Dwarf VIII

For those of you who don’t know, Red Dwarf is a sci-fi sitcom set 3 million years in deep space about the last human alive and his non-human companions.
The new series began with a three-parter, during which we discover that Kryten’s nanobots, who had previously stolen Red Dwarf, not only resurrected the ship but also its original crew, in a plot with more holes in it than a sieve washed in Persil. The posse - now including the resurrected Rimmer - are charged and sent to “The Tank”, a prison secretly hidden aboard Red Dwarf.
Red Dwarf VIII had a different “feel” to it than previous series. For example the increasing number of two and three parters, and the continuous sub-plots weaved through the whole series such as being in the Tank, joining the Canaries (prisoners sent ahead to scout for danger), and Kryten’s most literal case of penis envy, overcomplicated what should be a nice and simple sitcom.
RD VIII also had the largest cast it has ever had before. Some of the characters suffered from this and I felt were only given token lines. Some scenes were not even funny such as the snooze-a-thon that was the Cat’s tap dance routine with Blue Midget.
But with gags like, “Do you have any idea how irritating you are. There are things you could teach tropical skin diseases.” and, “I’ve been searching the ship’s inventory, I’ve discovered things in there that’ll make your hair stand on end... brylcreem it’s called.” it remains one of the best sitcoms around. This series also contained more of the character comedy of the early shows, without the dull “character development” that infected the last series. I also liked the new look - expensive sets, and clever computer shenanigans. However none of the episode were what I call a “classic”.
The series ended with the ship being dissolved, the crew deserting the ship and Rimmer kneeing Death in the groin in an episode which for me sums up the whole series - some good gags, some unnecessary and unfunny scenes but overall left me confused and going “huh?”.
I heard a rumour that this was going to be the last series of Red Dwarf. I hope not - but the next series has to make up its mind whether it wants to be an uncomplicated 30 minute sitcom or a 45 minute comedy drama.
Why not visit the Official Red Dwarf Web Site - here.

Chaos by James Gleick.

The reason why I decided to review this book for the Singing Banana was because of the quote on the cover, which says;
“An awe-inspiring book. Reading Chaos gave me the sensation that someone had just found the light switch. - Douglas Adams.”
With such high praise I eagerly delved into its pages hoping to discover the meaning of life, or maybe even the ultimate question itself.
I have read many of these, what I call, popular science books, and I normally come away with a slightly better understanding of the subject. That is what these sort of books are meant to do. However Chaos reads more like a novel and I learnt very little about the science of “predictable randomness”.
The book tells you a lot about the who’s, where’s, and when’s but nothing of the how’s and the why’s of chaos. It has some very pretty colour pictures in the middle, and it certainly stopped my desk from wobbling, so apart from the actual words it was a very good book. But I’m afraid I am still in the dark, and it’s been a long time since I was afraid of the dark, perhaps Douglas Adams will show me the light switch.
NB. I have since discovered that Bop Ad and Mr Gleick are “great mates”, so that explains that then.

Titanic.

The only vaguely interesting thing I did over half term was to see titanic.
Honestly I don't see what all the fuss is about. It was OK but I don't understand how it got 40 out of 40 on moviewatch.
There were four major things wrong with it, firstly all the third class passengers were chirpy Irish people and all the baddies were uppercrust Englishmen, (stereotyping we love it).
They also fell for the scourge of the period drama, "aren't dead people stupid", this is when they say things like, "Men will never fly, what a absurd notion! Ha-ha-ha!" and "I bought some paintings the other day, picasso someone, load of rubbish really!".
The script was a bit naff too, for example at one point Leo de cappuccino goes to the front of the titanic (y'know the pointy end) and the wind is in his hair (which was very clean and floppy for a pauper in 1912) and he stands there whooping for five minutes. He was getting a bit overexcited by that bit of wind.
But what I didn't like most of all was how they mingled fact with fiction, I find that unnerving when you don't know what's real and what's not, oo-err.
It wasn't all bad. The first half hour was good, setting the scene and all that. Then there was an hour and a half of slush, then a really good hour of people escaping from the doomed ship, although the fictitious characters did a lot of stupid running around saving people an' all that instead of getting on a lifeboat and getting the hell outa there.
Now I may not be the most macho bloke on the planet but the film failed to move me, the lady next to me was moved to tears, but I was totally and utterly unmoved, stationary even. The whole thing was pretty unlikely, a big ship like that hitting an iceberg, I mean honestly as if. Now I don't want to ruin the ending for you, but I will anyway - it sinks.

Red Dwarf VII

"He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
Without him life would be much grimmer,
He's handsome, trim, and no-one's slimmer,
He will never need a zimmer."
The Rimmer song was one of the many highlights in the latest chuckletastic series of Red Dwarf, however there were some lowlights too.
The first one is that we've had to wait three years for the cliff-hanger at the end of series six to be resolved- but it was definitely worth the wait, for the return of Norman Lovett alone. And Red Dwarf's fancy new all singing all dancing filmic look.
But for me there was too much "character development" and not enough running down corridors from bad guys who can't shoot straight, especially after the arrival of Lister's old girlfriend Kochanski.
However the lowest of the lowlights was the dazzling departure of Ace/Arnold Rimmer, "without him life will be much grimmer". But fret not for my sources tell me he will return for Red Dwarf VIII (hooray!). So for now.....
Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas.

The Crisp Packet Triangle Shrine.
http://www.atomiser.demon.co.uk

As the name suggests, this is a shrine where you can pay homage to that most holy of phenomenon the crisp packet triangle. But what is a crisp packet triangle I hear you cry. Well some say it is an art form, some say it is a religion, but really it is a way of life. A crisp packet triangle is the packaging of a popular sliced potato based snack which has been turned, using the art of origami, into a shape of the Pythagorean persuasion. In other words it is a triangle made from a crisp packet.
At the shrine you can travel through the mists of time and learn about the crisp packet triangle's ancient origins. From the Monks of the Forgotten order of Potatoes, passing by a drunk Samuel Wilkins, and ending up in a pub in the 1970's where the first successfully triangular projectile was launched, (by yet another drunken individual, a recurring theme at the shrine).
So lets leave the mists of time and travel through the fog of creation. For at the shrine you will get step-by-step instructions on how to make your very own triangle from everyday foldable things, for example crisp packets, bus tickets, chocolate wrappers or toilet paper (ooh painful). The shrine also provides fully illustrated illustrations to help you channel the psychic energy needed to create your triangle.
Finally we reach the smog of despair where the curator of the shrine names all his mates and you realise you're not on the list.
This is a very entertaining and fun place to be. So if you feel you have a triangular shaped hole in your life, then why not join the other 40 000 people who have already visited these pages. It may not change your life, (but then again it might. Once you have visited the shrine you may decide to shave your head and retreat to a Tibetan monastery, to meditate and purify your soul enabling you to become one with the great triangle in the sky, while all the other monks snigger behind your back. They do that Tibetan monks.), but give it a go anyway. It's worth going just to see the world's most talented frog. I mean wow, I didn't even know frogs could do that.

The No.1 Sci-fi Album

If you liked the HHGG's theme tune from both the radio and TV series, then lucky you because a 1996 full length version is out on, "The No.1 Sci-fi Album" available at most decent record shops and probably most of the indecent ones too. It's priced at £11-ish and includes themes from Red Dwarf, Star Trek, Star Wars and stuff like that.
Under the Hitch Hiker blurb it reads:

"The Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
Dougless (It's riddled with mis-prints and inaccurate details like this that will keep even the most pedantic of sci-fi fans amused for hours.) Adam's multi-media success began as a little noticed radio series in 1978, but quickly became popular enough for a publisher to guess there might be a book in the idea. The rest is history, and Adams was able to give up his day job as Doctor Who's script editor within the year, concentrating instead on a second radio series, four more books and a TV adaptation, all of which rewrote the final episode of the radio series extensively. The theme music wasn't original but for every person who knows it was written by the Eagles' Tim Souster, there must be a hundred who associate it with the adventures of Ford Prefect, Arthur Dent and Marvin the paranoid android."

I'm always sceptical of albums with, "best ever" or "No.1" in the title, but perhaps that's because of all those years I spent locked in the cellar with just the rats for company, very cynical those rats are!

Morecambe

To put it bluntly Morecambe is a dump. It's dead, it's as dead as a parrot - it has ceased to be.
I've just moved north and someone suggested looking at the local sights. Well I jumped at the chance......well sort of hopped at the cha....well perhaps walked interestingly towards the possibility of the chance.
When I got there I was just in time for the switching on of the illuminations- it was a string of fairy lights hung along the street lamps. And one of the bulbs must have gone because half of the lights didn't work.
OK so this isn't Blackpool, so what. As long as it has a beach then it's fine, I mean what sort of seaside resort doesn't have a beach - this sort of seaside resort that's what. Instead of beach there are huge bays of rocks, and not the naturally occurring type either- building site lumps of rock. Apparently the sea has washed the beach away, so in order to stop this from happening the council think that these rocks will keep the sand in. Sand in, everything else out.
The council have also been spending money on the promenade along the "beach". Now that looked quite nice, but the shops and stalls along the promenade are all based on what I thought to be a very peculiar theme, and that theme is spaghetti westerns. I mean, the wild north-west just doesn't have the same ring to it does it!
After all that I was hungry so I decided to have the traditional seaside fish 'n' chips. But there were only two places open, and one of them seemed to charge a pound a chip. Then I went home.
To be fair to Morecambe it was just after peak time and in the evening too. But apparently even the locals think it's a dump and only go for the bowling.

[The Singing Banana wishes to apoligise to the people of Morecambe, especially since he now lives there and fears for his life - SB]

Home Is Where The Heart Is.

Email: singingbanana@lycos.com