Achievements Of The 21st Century.

Welcome to the dawn of a new century. As we take our first steps into this brave new world the mind naturally turns towards thoughts of the unimaginably wonders the next one hundred years will bring. However the century we leave behind has had its own fair share of amazing feats, so come with me now as we look back on The Achievements Of The 21st Century.

The century began in the year 2000, which was lucky because it might have been confusing if it started any later. The world failed to end and everyone was really disappointed.
The English revolution of 2006 saw the abdication of Queen Elizabeth II and the fall of the house of Windsor. And the now disgraced Windsors were forced to seek alternative employment.
Queen Elizabeth starred in her own cult advertising campaign for a major supermarket chain, “One’s gorn to Iceland”.
The Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip went into politics and became the Minister for Foreign Affairs, and caused an international incident when on diplomatic mission to Japan he complained about a nip in the air. Fortunately we just blamed it on the Belgians™.
The Queen Mother (God Bless Her) put her bionic hip, arm and eye to good use and became the Four Million Pound Woman, Britain’s first superhero, and is still fighting crime to this day. [That went out of date sooner than I thought! -SB]
And the Prince of Wales, Prince Charles opened a Florist and Garden Gnome centre in Cardiff.

In 2012 it was decided to let the people democratically choose who would be the new Head of State, and after a close election result the people chose Queen Posh and the house of Beckham (sponsored by The Sun). There was great opposition at the time to the new Monarchy, many saying the fact that England didn’t become a republic defeated the point of the revolution, some saying they didn’t like the new plastic thrones, but many more saying that the new Royal family were a bunch of shallow, vacuous, self publicising, imbeciles who had more money than sense, who hadn’t earned their high status, and did nothing more worthy than swanning around the world having holidays, opening supermarkets and gracing the front pages of the tabloids. To which royalists replied “So what’s new!”
Since the birth of their first son, Brooklyn, the naming of royal babies after the place they were conceived has become a time honoured tradition that has continued to this day with the birth of Prince Morecambe.

In 2023 Elvis was discovered playing the spoons, to entertain the Swiss Navy, as part of a trio of minstrels with Lord Lucan and Shergar. Elvis claimed to have been abducted by aliens, but nobody believed him. Well it’s a little far fetched isn’t it.
In 2028 Felix Brown became Britain’s first Rastafarian Prime Minister. And the first successful bill passed by the new government was the much demanded equality for fish bill. After much chaining themselves to railings and Shubunkins throwing themselves in front of the Grand National winner, fish finally got the vote. Of course these days making sure you secure the fish vote can win an aspiring MP his seat in Parliament, as the fish have become the all important floating voters. (Ouch!)

In 2033 the world failed to end again, and suddenly Christians began to realise they had backed a wrong’un there. The decline in popularity of the church caused for radical action on the behalf of the tank top wearing, guitar strumming, “call me Steve” trendy vicars of the CoE with resulted in a merger with the many Gala Bingo Halls up and down the country. This move was resisted at first by many of the more traditional of clergymen but eventually announcements such as “And now I shall read a passage from Mark 2:15”, followed by the cry of “HOUSE!” became common place. And a new generation of bingo calls were invented, some of the most famous being “Judas’ silverware - number 30”, “All the trinity - number 3”, “Leper’s fingers - number 9”, and so on.
In 2036 Clive Watts, the Master Baker from South Wales decided to shake hands with every man, woman and child in China. He raised the money for the airticket after telling all his workmates that China was over ten thousand miles away and by lunchtime, to his surprise, his colleagues had raised enough money for a one-way ticket. His first shook hands with Lee Wong of Beijing.

In 2042 the church of “The Second Came But We Missed Him” was founded, with the belief that the true messiah had indeed come among us in the form of a wandering minstrel spreading the good word of the lord almost every Christmas. Richardism as it came to be know, and its followers the “Cliffites” tell the story of a man who never grew old, who came out of The Shadows to lead the people to salvation. Scholars to this day still debate the meaning of “Devil Woman”, and who can forget the parable of the rain in Wimbledon, his persecution by radio 2, or indeed the crucifixion of “The Millennium Prayer”.
In 2048 Clive Watts meets Lau Chin of Shenyang.

By the 2050s the world’s fossil fuels were at an all time low, even with the discovery of Pennine Oil in 2018 could do little to relieve the demand on the world’s energy resources. 2051 saw the launch of the Solar Toupee, a revolution in energy conservation. Not only did the syrup, today worn by millions of slap heads around the world, harness the power of the sun and supply energy to the entire country by means of a lead running down the leg of the trousers, but was also down right stylish to boot. In the same year Clive Watts encounters Yushu Chang of Nanking.

In 2068 dishwashering was officially recognised as an Olympic sport. For the first time, what had previously only been the hobby of a few enthusiastic amateurs, the art of washing off excess egg and baked bean juice from plates but making sure to leave just enough muck to make it worth putting it in the dishwasher in the first place, became increasingly popular to eventually become the national pastime it is today. Dishwashering record holder and current champion is Solomon Archimedes Emmerson Lake-Palmer-Grime, owner of the legendary “Grime and Son - Restaurant and Chip Pan Egg Emporium”.
The decade ended with Clive Watts shaking the hand of Fusin Anshan from Harbin.

In the 2070s the decline of standards in education in some of the poorer areas of the country has set up a rift between the classes, so that some people are good with words and other people isn’t. This lack of education and culture has left some without the wit and sophistication like wot I’ve got.
In 2076 a revolution in home care became available when the Megatron 3000 was released. This robotic helper finally took the pain out of housework by automatically taking care of menial household chores. Before the Megatron 3000 you would have had to turn the washing machine on yourself.
And in 2077 Clive Watts met Dave Smith on holiday from Morecambe.

In 2085 the government decided to decimalise the week by adding three extra days between Friday and Saturday, namely Wacaday, Dorrisday and Dodahday. This was to allow greater leisure time and to encourage job sharing to reduce unemployment, until everyone realised it was a daft idea and scrapped it.
In 2086 the Prime Minister was able to cut down the ever increasing crime rate at a single stroke, by legalising burglary. Why nobody had thought of this before is beyond me.
And 2088 saw the mysteries of perpetual motion solved forever with the invention of the Eternal Combustion Engine by Dr. Hamish McDougal. Using Ayres’ Principle of exponential tennis ball time dilation, (Which states that a falling tennis ball can never hit the ground, since at some time after its release the ball must be at half the distance from it original position to the ground, and then some time later it will be half that distance again, and then some time later half that again, and so on, and so therefore, logically, the tennis ball, can never reach the ground itself.) Dr. McDougal was able to construct an engine that never ran down or stopped, but was still impossible to start on a cold morning.
Meanwhile on the other side of the world Clive Watts shakes the feet of Mad Joe, the armless banjo player from Wuhan.

Fears about GM foods reached national hysteria in 2094 when rumours began to circulate of a man eating banana in the Dennison research centre in Scotland, which eventually turned out to be a man eating a banana.
In 2096 the problem of population growth had reached dizzying new heights. Demand for food, water, clothes, and space outstripped availability. The Government was forced to take radical action to reduce the population, and ordered the termination of all ugly people, which is a shame because I really do miss my wife.
And finally on the 31st of December 2099, the true messiah Jesus Christ returned to Earth and appeared as a vision before every man woman and child in the world. He apologised for being late and said unto his people (unto, I ask you!)

“The day of judgement has arrived, and you have not been found wanting. So as prophesied I shall give unto (Tch!) you one thousand years of peace, harmony and goodwill. And you may be rest assured that there will be a place for all of you in the kingdom of heaven.”

The reaction to which was varied and ranged from “Oh lord, we are but your humble servants, blah blah blah, blessed be the cheesemakers, grovel grovel grovel.” to “He’s a lot shorter in real life isn’t he.” and “He doesn’t even look anything like Cliff Richard.” Clive Watts shook his hand, his impossible mission continues.

Home Is Where The Heart Is.

Email: singingbanana@lycos.com