The Encyclopaedia Bananica Presents

The Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

Life [luh-eye-fuh] (noun) - Existence. The ability not to be dead.
The first recorded instances of life began around the time of the invention of the gramophone, but it is believed life has existed since the birth of Man.
Evolution and adaptation are essential for the continuance of Life. From fish, to monkey, to ape, to TV executive, to modern man we have moved up the evolutionary ladder. There have even been cases of a few couples having babies already with a camcorder strapped to their hand so they can film the birth from the inside.
Despite our best efforts, Life still proves to be 100% fatal. Survival still depends on certain primitive drives such as the need for food, the urge to reproduce and the defence of territory. So we’ll eat in eateries, linger in lingerie, and start wars in countries, begun by the people who lead there.
However, for the continuance of Life the penis mightier than the sword. Relations with the alternative gender can be complicated, like Pandora’s Box it’s a dark, hairy subject full of mystery, but once you get into it it’s full of warm feelings. In today’s modern society many are just too busy for relationships and are forced to stay alone in their room doing their own thing, which is why Do-It-Yourself has become the number one hobby for single males. To improve their chances of finding a partner some even resort to plastic surgery in order to reach the physical ideal. This unnatural selection is becoming increasingly popular because as the surgeons say, no body’s perfect.
For many Life is just a passing phase, a daily grind of drudgery and hard work. Which is why funerals are so popular, for the fun they contain. In more recent times cremations have become widely accepted with the top three requested songs being Disco Inferno by The Trammps, Lulu’s Relight My Fire and Golden Brown by The Stranglers.
Life is to death as sex is to a Star Trek fan, the absence of the first leads to the other.

Universe [you-knee-ver-suh] (noun) - [See also Limerick and Haiku]. The container of everything (see below).
Many believe the universe was created by a God in a timed Crystal Maze type challenge. Others believe the universe began in the Big Bang which not only resulted in the creation of a universe but also gave everyone around at the time a nasty shock. This superseded the Big Band theory of creation by several letters which involved Jools Holland and a clarinet lead. While ancient cultures believed a deity produced the milky way when making love to his fist, a belief seemingly in direct conflict with both Catholic and lapdancing doctrine of look but not touch.
The universe is studied by astronomers. A common mistake is to confuse astronomers with astrologers, but the difference between them is like the difference between a Neapolitan ice cream and pistachio, one is a sweetened frozen dessert made from cream, strawberry, vanilla and chocolate, while the other is just nuts. Astronomers like nothing better than going to Astronomers only nightclubs where they can get to know other cosmologist free from astrophobic attitudes. Here they can study heavenly bodies, investigate new discoveries and probe blackholes. Many believe the astronomers existence is a solitary one but they always have an opening for an assistant.
After Patrick Mower many would find it difficult to names another famous astronomer, but Brian May. In space no one can hear you Queen.
If you take a random cross section of the universe population and putting them all into one ghetto you will notice a curious effect. The inhabitants will start growing wispy beards and wearing long coats, they crave Pot Noodle and watching Teletubbies in their dressing gowns. They are prone to unconsciousness every Friday night and say things like “I am so going to fail my exams!” This is a typical Universe city.

And [a-un-duh] (conjunction) - Not a duh. Also a synonym [1] for comma. A meaningless [2] word invented by 11th century Norman monks. A lifetime of abstention, purity and being kind to insects [3], along with the shame and stigma of being called Norman had driven them quite mad. Forced into a life of solace they had very little to do other to invent conjunctive words, and [4] is about as pointless as a Chevy Chase [5] movie.

[1] Synonym - A word clever people use when they don’t know what they mean.
[2] Meaningless - ...
[3] Insects - To have sex with a member of your family.
[4] I know it’s bad practice to use a word in its own definition.
[5] Chevy Chase - 20th Century form of torture, now only practice in a few East European countries.

Everything [stuff] (noun) - Not nothing.
For the materialist who has everything the endless march of technology moves faster than the Salvation Army with diarrhoea, meaning there is always a new gadget, gizmo or gubbins available. Currently Bill Gates is the man who controls everything in this brave new world after taking over the home computer market, the internet and the world wide wept. However, both Microsoft supporters and opponents alike believe the breakdown of the monopoly will be the end of an error. Modern technology also brings with it new dangers. There are an increasingly common number of cases of men arranging to meet fourteen year old girls in internet chatrooms who are later discovered to be axe murderers - and the man’s body is never found.
And what isn’t available in life and the universe will be included in the afterlife and the next world, where you can have anything your heart desires in any colour as long as it’s white. Some believe you can speak to the other side by means of a ouija board. Some have even fallen in love with ghosts, after talking to them on popular premium rate voodoo chatlines, but they are just necromancers.
These are increasingly confusing times, with an increasingly more commercial and violent culture. Competition between rival fast food retailers have escalated to the point of the drive-in shooting. Many wish to achieve a more spiritual existence by employing experts in Feng Shui who advise you to remove all clutter from your life such as money in a wallet. Others turn to philosophy, the discipline of wisdom through facial hair. But the average layman will find Descartes’ existential maxim “I Think Therefore I Am” about as useful as a blank street map with the label You Are Here. Which is why we should each make our own definitions of life, the universe and everything and why I will never make any money as a cartographer.

Home Is Where The Heart Is.

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